I can’t zip up my jacket anymore, so I pile on an extra layer or two. A fleece, then a down vest, both unzipped and unbuttoned. I laugh because it seems a bit counter-productive; but there is no other way.
Sometimes after baby has been still and quiet for a while, I feel a bump or a kick. Just a single nudge, as if to remind me, “I am still here!” Or as Travis and I like to jokingly say to each other, “Notice me!”
Very slowly we are starting to piece together some baby things. I haven’t had the urge to go to the store and buy a pile of baby clothes, or to try out every single stroller and rocking chair in the baby aisles at Target. But when I see the little striped sweater and the tiny onesies that were gifts from friends, I wonder if maybe I do want to go browse that newborn rack at the local consignment store.
This little human being has become a part of my life now. It is not such a novel idea that I have a bigger belly now, or that there is a little baby inside of me. That novelty became a quiet bond, a simple knowing that this little buddy was part of our lives—part of me. I still remember the surprise and speechless feeling when we first learned the news as if it was yesterday, but I also can’t imagine August and the months after without this little one. Without the sickness or the pain of taut skin, stretched a bit farther than it seems able; without the moments of fear and uncertainty as we realize just how little we can actually prepare to welcome a child; without the days of simply choosing to say “yes” again and again to the providence of God; even without the feet or hands or limbs—whatever they are—that seem to always find their way to my hip bones, traveling into what feels like my leg. How a child can get down there, I will never quite be able to understand.
“Just think about if this baby hadn’t come along. What was it about that day, about this child, that God chose to bring this baby to you? It would be a different person if it had even happened a month later.”
A lovely woman said that to me the other day, and I was again filled with wonder.
What is it about this little person who exists and has entered our little worlds? What is it about this personality, this unique and beautiful child, that our lives needed?
I can’t wait to meet this little person, to see the world it sees, to discover anew what it means to be a child. For theirs is the Kingdom.
Less than ten weeks now.